Friday, January 18, 2008

hypocrisy and the non-smoker

I was walking out of my building at work today, and a few steps in front of me were 2 folks, smokes in hand. Before opening the door to the outside, the first lady lights her smoke, ensures it is lit, then proceeds to open the door. Not only did i have to wait a second or two for them to proceed, i had to hall in her ass air.

I was in the midst of a conversation, and quite taken offguard, and meek, so i didn't say anything. All i could muster was a dirty snarl... which i'd like to believe is quite out of character. But holy fuck, whats with people?

This lady, who'd been smoking at least 10 years by the looks of her, should be fuckin capable of lighting her life stick on fire with a bit of breeze on a zero degree day... but no, she decided she should light it inside so all folks that have to walk through for the next hour, not to mention the folks in her midst (ie me), will have the unpleasant experience of halling back her ass air. The air she breathes is ass, she exhales ass, death, and intoxication, and feels its her absolute privilege to do so.

Well, its not a privilege, its not a right, its a demon. One that haunts people every second of every day, and infects those around them in ways their blindness renders them unable to see. How would you feel if you were in the midst of an intense emotional conversation with someone, really breaking ground, and then you find out that they're really only invoking a steadily declining 50% of their brain on the conversation. That more and more they're mind is actually drifting off into other areas, areas that are beginning to manipulate their coherent then-and-now. This is the mind of an addictive personality, one that smokes at least once every hour or two, every single day of their lives, and feels it is there right/privilege/gift to interrupt any and every experience of their lives, every hour or two, to satisfy the urge. Its not their fault that other non-smokers are inconvenienced by this, they have to put up with it, cause its the smokers right.... ha!!

Smoking is great in so many ways, and so bad in so many more ways. Its fuckin pathetic, and its people like the lady smoking in the entranceway that give smokers a bad name. Now that i'm not really one of them, i see it/them in a different light. I miss it. And i'm a total hypocrite. I'm beginning to get insulted when someone would rather spend time destroying their body and satisfying a pathetic urge to bring chemical happiness to their lives than spend that time with me. But thats what it does. It makes you feel there is nothing else more important. Well, life is more important. There is a time and place for everything, and if the smoking culture around here wasn't so god damn all encompassing and controlling, it wouldn't be so bad. But everyone around here feels its their right to do it all the time, anywhere, anytime.

I can't believe i used to throw my butts out the car window. Totally acceptable for me and all my friends. How fucking blind was i? Why is the world my ashtray? My city, streets, sidewalks. As if i just pitched my nasty butts. Thats fucking pathetic, as was i.

I could totally go for a smoke right now. I wouldn't blow it in anyones face. I wouldn't smoke it inside. I'd put the butt in the ashtray/garbage. It would make me *feel* good. It would provide pleasure, and it would be sweet for a little while. But i can't go through the ridiculous lifestyle/introspective interruption it causes again. It is a huge part of who you are. If you're defined by your actions, what does it mean if a third of your actions for your entire life are to satisfy a pathetic chemical urge? So massive it's scary. And it kills you physically too...

I'm hoping the cravings go away at some point. Sorry i'm a hypocrite, maybe i can quit that too at some point.

5 comments:

  1. Keep up the good work with quiting smoking. :)

    p.s. the cravings will go away.. it will also take time.

    good luck.

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  2. Thanks J.!! I've heard some tell me the cravings never go away, its nice to hear someone that thinks otherwise.

    My last couple posts have been very rantesque. I can see a more angstier me/blog coming out of this quiting smoking, at least in my blogging. Coulda been being 30 too, who knows.

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  3. Hey Bob,

    It is lovely to read a good rant. And you've become Aggie's new muse because of it.

    Hope all is well,

    P.

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  4. Hey Bob,

    It's great to read a few good rants. It makes us all feel a bit better about being bad-tempered. And Aggie finds it a MUSE ing.

    Hope all is well.

    Best,

    P.

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  5. That wasn't supposed to be double. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete