Wednesday, February 15, 2006

doubt

Holy shit... it can be ignored, put on hold in your brain, but don't let it errupt. If you're hiding it, make sure you deal with it before you let it peak out. If you think its existance is suspected, DEAL WITH IT!!!! It will be confronted, passively or not, perhaps it is you that lets it out at the WRONG time because it wants to be dealt with. But if you don't deal with it, it can erupt into cataclysmic proportions, and may have an entirely different outcome than if you were to deal with it and then confront it with the person or thing the doubt surrounds.

Maturity comes in all types shapes and colours. Some are very mature in some areas, whereas other areas are very undeveloped. Most of this has to do with experience, some is natural. Just because you naturally float through most circumstances with little experience relatively unscathed does not mean others you'll be naturally gifted at. "Work on your Red" would be the HDBI's advice, and boy could i use some of that. I'm horribly immature in dealing with some feelings, such as doubt. Why couldn't i simply confront it, and deal with it? Do i know where it comes from?... relationship? Commitment? Future? Babies? Fuck, i dunno. Was it the bolded word love printed in multiple times in the valentine card? Was it me realizing i'm not in love with Kate? Am i though? Am i not? Right now, i'm confused as fuck. But there is doubt, so what does it concern? My ability to ever love her? To ever love anyone? Do i truely believe that if i'm going to fall in love with someone i should know within 2 months? I think thats probably it... i'm not sure, i have doubts that i could... why though? Is it just that she's so relationship focused and i'm not that i find this a point of issue and hence could never love her? Thats fuckin ridiculous. A relationship builds... she had so many good points and good things to say to me tonight. Its not forever, but if you've got issues, or if you're not sure, confront them, its not fair to the other person.

Idealistic. I am. I want to know i'm gonna love or do love someone from the moment i meet her. Initially, things with kate were super and i did think that. But that started slipping i guess.... why? It really could just be fear dammnit, this is what you need to figure out, and pronto! If there is a chance, however small, you've gotta giver. But if you know its not gonna happen, then don't lead her on anymore... i'm confused now, i hopefully won't be so much in the morning. Lets think more then.

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